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My Dear Boy

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[25 Apr 2006|05:52pm]

mydearboy will continue here

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You watched all my dreams come apart at the seams [15 Dec 2005|11:21pm]

After I slept for quite some time, dreams unhindered by my violent past for the first time since returning-- Angel insisted that we head back towards the center of the city. He insisted that we would both be safe within the confines of the Hyperion Hotel. I, of course had my doubts. As far as I was concerned neither one of us would ever be safe again when it came to Wolfram and Hart. They had the capabilities and resources beyond both of our imaginings. I could only shudder to think of the carnage the two of us may have created if we'd had half of Wolfram and Hart's resources back when we were known as nothing more than the scourge. But what other option did I have? I could either return to the city with Angel or...well, I didn't suppose he was really giving me an option. I'd be going back to the city with Angel whether I liked it or not.

I was largely silent on the trip back to the Hyperion and when we actually arrived just before dawn things hadn't changed much. It was just that I had nothing to say. I'd had nothing to say for awhile now, I supposed I was just desperately trying to find something. Anything. There were no more threats, no more seductions, no more thrall, there was just nothing left of Darla in here. I could see myself in the mirror, not that I cared to look, but when I did I could see the pale blonde hair, blue eyes, blunt teeth. I had never been a fan of the idea of existentialism but I supposed coming back from the dead to an almost literal hell makes one question one's philosophy.

Angel instructed me to rest as he went to see one of his friends in search of answers. I'd already rested all night while he kept watch over me as I slept. I'd rather he slept and I watched this time, after all it was daylight and seemed almost natural. He was as persistant as I knew I could be and so when he left I only walked out into the garden to enjoy the Jasmine. Night blooming. Just as I used to be. The fragrance was lovely, my fingertips straying gently over the fragile blossom...


I jumped nearly out of my skin and quickly admonished myself for such a transparent reaction. Turning around quickly I set my gaze on Lindsey as his eyes swept me over as if he had no idea how it were possible that I was still alive. Was he ready to give up so easily? Perhaps it shouldn't come as a surprise to him that I chose Angel over him then.

"Lindsey," I echoed quietly, my eyes gazing past his face and into the entrance. It was true the two of us were standing in the sunlight but I almost feared what may happen to Lindsey because of me. Because of who I was and what I meant to a group of people who had never even met the real me. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you. To make sure you were okay." His eyes stayed focused on mine as I took a step closer to him. He had always fascinated me so. Maybe if things had been different....

"Okay." I echoed, my voice hollow as the sewers beneath our feet.

"Listen to me," His hand circled around my wrist as I took another step towards him. "Wolfram and Hart is going to find out your here. Hell, they may already know. I'm the only one who can keep you safe, Darla. I have...I have money and friends in some high and...low places. I can send you somewhere where they'll never find you." His voice was a low harsh whisper and I almost wanted to laugh in his face, instead I merely stood there and stared up at him.

"And where do you fit into all of this, Lindsey? The knight in shining armour? Come to sweep me off my feet and take me somewhere safe? Maybe we'll have a white picket fence and fat children. Somehow I don't think that's in your contract at Wolfram and Hart."

"This isn't for me, Darla. I'm doing this for you. I can send you away but I can't go with you." He said quietly, finally letting go of my wrist as he searched my face for some sort of answer.

"Of course not." I said quietly as I took a step away from him and back towards the entrance of the Hyperion.

"Darla. Wait." He wanted me to listen badly enough to beg but not badly enough to march into the hotel after me and face Angel. What true cowards all men were. Had always been.

I ignored his muted plea and began heading back underneath the shade of the overhanging roof. I was nearly to the door when I almost jumped at the sight of Angel standing in the shadows. Had he been listening?
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[20 Sep 2005|01:59pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

I still haven't seen her and I was wondering if Wolfram and Hart have already captured her, but then I would have heard about it - somehow. She was still in this city, I could feel it and everynight I'd go walking around, trying to find her but everynight, something would happen and it would almost be like I just missed her. Everywhere I went, it was like she was just there and it was getting more and more frustrating and then it all came down to ... Why am I doing this? Why should I? She was the one that did this to me, she turned me, made me a monster and then when I needed her most, she let me go when I got my soul. I couldn't help that and now I was more than just a little bitter about it all. I should just let Wolfram and Hart do whatever experiments they want on her because in the end, Lindsey and whoever is not going to be able to keep her safe, I know that for a fact. All Lindsey had was a couple of suave looking suits and his smart talk. I had the capability to actually watch over her, but she didn't want that. And I didn't understand why.

A few nights later, I was out, walking around and I finally decided to go back to the hotel and get my car, which I did. It was nice to be back in it and I figured that I could find her a lot faster if I had it. That's when I saw her walking the strip one night and I turned around, making sure that was her, before pulling over, or trying to anyway. I had to just talk to her. Getting out of the car, I waited and waited until she walked past before getting behind her and walking through the crowds. She kept on looking at all the bright lights and for a second, I wondered what she was thinking even though I didn't want to care. I didn't want to care about any of this, but I still did because in the end, she was all I really had.

"Strange to see you out like this," I said finally and walked along side her before glancing at her. "What the hell is going on, Darla?" I asked her and stopped, grabbing onto her arm and pulling her toward me.

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I'm between the moon and where you are [31 Aug 2005|10:50pm]

I slept on and off for some time but everytime I closed my eyes I could still see them. It seemed there would be no rest for me, not once Wolfram and Hart pulled me from the hell I couldn't remember. Just nothing. There was nothing and now there was hell. It seemed I was to spend eternity always trapped, weighed down by something. Angelus. The Master. Wolfram and Hart. This soul. It occured to me that I'd never quite seen it as a weight before I'd become human for the second time. Before I had the weight of memory resting on top of my soul, every sting, every step and I could feel it. That burning sensation running through my veins except it was far more powerful than blood. Regret was the most wicked weapon of all and I had a nuclear war raging within me. Part of me thought to say. Tangled in this embrace of anguish with the suffocation of everything we had ever done together and to eachother. Of course, it was this same restless misery that drove me away from him. Back to Wolfram and Hart? To torment my boy even more perhaps? It seemed like the lawyers were the worst miscreants of all and I had thought I'd been evil once upon a time.

I was conflicted, dubious. It seemed I had no one left to turn to save these two sides in a battle I'd never done anything to start. Lawyers interested me little, Angelus slightly more. Slightly more was hardly the phrase for the beautiful creature of destruction I had once known. No longer existing, trapped beneath the layers of a man I barely recognized. A vampire. Semantics. I wondered vaguelly if my own alter self was trapped beneath this frail foreign skin. Was I still Darla? The pain I wanted to cause, the death, the blood I wanted to see spilled, the torment. I was still Darla. I still wanted to hurt them all. Yet there was a part that grew that I knew nothing of. Pressing down on my heart, my mind, reminding me that I hurt all these people, inflicted so much damage. That hurting them hurt me in some form or another. Now I was the one who was damaged with no coping mechanisms, left bare and exposed. I wanted to be ill. For four hundred years I commanded authority, brazen and bold. Now I wasn't even sure I had the strength to get out of this bed.

What was I now? Was I just like him? Would I be forced to wear the selfless veneer that he carries around like a giant weight on his shoulders? Would I want to help now as much as I had ever hurt? The very thought was almost laughable. I wasn't like Angel. I hadn't forgotten who I was, who I had been. He assured me that he had never forgotten but I knew differently. He remembered but he was blind. Never able to see the entire truth despite the photographic memory. You could see it in his sketching, the perfect shadings and lines. It was all just surface and he could never look beyond that. In that moment I think it was that I decided I had to leave this room.

It was hard to tell whether Angelus was sleeping soundly next to me or simply laying there, keenly aware of every move I might make. What had I to lose? He would catch me and reign me back in or I would escape. Either way I had lost nothing. As quickly as I could I got out of bed and headed for the door, with nothing but a careless hand run between pale strands of hair. Just as I thought I might have actually escaped his hand closed down around my elbow. Glancing back up into his eyes for only a minute I slammed the door on him, forcing him to loosen his grip on my arm.

Quickly I ran down the stairs of the hotel and downstairs into the casino part of the building. I knew that Angel was right on my heels and I'd need some form of distraction. A security guard stepped up in front of me and I anxiously grabbed onto his arm, forcing him between myself and Angel. "Help me! He's trying to hurt me!" I screamed, catching everyone's attention as several security guards jumped on my boy. I knew it wouldn't hold him back for long so I began running again, shoving my way past patrons when I spotted those familiar suits. I knew exactly who was here looking for me. So soon they had found me. Wolfram and Hart.

I wasn't sure which was the lesser of two evils and so I darted off into the resteraunt and kitchen hoping to evade them both. Bursting through waitresses and showgirls and customers I headed for the back door as loud voices raised alarm. That would never do. I didn't want to alert them to where it was that I had escaped to. Instead I pushed myself forward not stopping until I found the door and escaped out into the warm sunlight. Of course, I knew the sun would only protect me from Angel and not from Wolfram and Hart, so I hadn't stopped running until I reached a parking lot.

A young girl was getting out of her car and I grabbed her by the arm fiercely, scrambling for her keys.

"Hey!" She yelled as I finally managed to retrieve the keys from her hand.

Getting into the driver's seat of her car I slammed the door shut quickly before turning the key in the ignition. The only sound that echoed behind me was the sound of squeeling tires as I darted into downtown Las Vegas traffic. I took a deep breath and let my fingers finally relax on the wheel when I realized no one had followed me. I hadn't an inkling of where I was going to run to next. Wherever I decided to go I was sure I'd be found and followed eventually. For now all I could do was drive.
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Dreams for the wicked that never rest [06 Jun 2005|04:40am]

The drive was long and silent as I made my way down the highway, making sure that no one was following us. Took me about an hour to stop looking behind me, there was no one on the road, it was basically just us for miles and miles besides tracker trailers that were driving late at night. Darla had soon gone to sleep and she rested her head against the window, trying to relax, which was what I told her to do. It boggled me that she was back, but there was a reason, and coming from Wolfram and Hart, it wasn't good. We'd figure it out though, most likely, they would want to turn her against me, but that plan foiled because now I was the one protecting her from them. From Lindsey. He wanted her to stay, I could smell the rage and passion coming off of him and I knew right then, that he wanted her, more than just for business, but for pleasure and I'd make sure that would never happen. Not that I think it would, but for that slight chance, it wouldn't. Darla and I had something, something that Lindsey would never be able to take away.

Finally we were on the strip and I had to decide where to go and stop off at. There was always the usual places, but one place that always got me was The Tropicana. Nice, high profile and it brought back memories. I drove down a bit and pulled up, having a kid come up to me and asking for my keys.

"Take care of this car."

"Yes, sir."

"No, you don't understand. This is ... an important car. Take care of it."

"Yes, sir."

I frowned at him for a second, then glanced at Darla who was already starting to stir. I reached over, rubbing her arm. "Darla, we're here," I said before getting out the car and walking to the other side, helping her out. "You can go back to sleep once we're inside," I said and started to walk inside so we could get a room.
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I will sell my soul for something pure and true [03 Apr 2005|04:35am]

I had grown long tired of the Wolfram and Hart building. It was most fortunate for me that Lindsey had come to the conclusion that I would no longer be safe there. Angel had frequented the building unharmed on several occasions and there was nothing to stop him from reentering once again. Lindsey's apartment however was safe from intrusion as Angel hardly had an invitation. At first I had thought an escape from Wolfram and Hart only to withdraw into their golden boy's establishment would become rather daunting. Instead I found it preferable, this routine that the two of us had settled into. Routine. It was what grounded these humans to the lives that they wasted endlessly in pain. There would be no ease to end their suffering, only through death.

During the long daylight hours I would often stand in front of the window. Lindsey's view was only seconded by the view his office overlooked. It was always the view, I had to have it. Whether my heart beat or not, I longed for beauty. Once beauty had been found in my victim's twisted faces, in their rage and pain before finally and mercifully ending their existance. Mercy was a word not frequently used by Angelus or myself for over a century. We were bright beautiful angels of torment and we rained down terror on our victims without regard. What would we have to regard when lacking a soul? Existing in this form went hand in hand with misery, and I was uncertain as to how much longer I could bare it.

I was starting to remember. Everything we had done together, everything I had done seperately from my boy. I lacked the memory Angel had, and suddenly I was glad for that one simple relief. Faces escaped me as did centuries and often I could barely remember all but the most glorious of kills. The kind of screams that clung to your bones through centuries and death and hell back to the mortal coil again. Those screams haunted the long lonely daylight hours as I awaited Lindsey's return. Often when he came home later then expected I could be found sitting at his bar. Fingertips trailing lightly over the smooth marble as I eyed the butcher block full of knives. Pain could be fleeting if I were as brave as I once was.

For as much as I could remember my life as a vampire, the memories I reached out for most had long escaped me. That girl, a prostitute dying in her bed.

God never did anything for me.

There were fragments, small pieces of memory and mostly surrounding my final minutes with the master. I wanted to remember, I wanted to know who I had started off my existance as. I wanted to remember that brave dying girl, what was her name? I couldn't remember what my name had been the first time I had walked the earth. It angered me so, being able to remember faceless victims and their screams but not being able to remember what my soul was called. What was it's name? I could feel it beneath my skin, making me feel things I had not felt in centuries upon centuries. It suddenly struck me that I had no idea what I was, who I was. Once so powerful and vicious, reduced to nothing more but a long forgotten entity. Who was I?

Then Lindsey would come in just as the sun set. He would loosen his tie and ask me how I was. I would gloss over truths as I always did, and yet still remain acutely aware of my effect on the lawyer. What a curious human he was. To be drawn into forces so dark yet constantly resist the pull evil. He was a lovely shade of grey, and I idly wondered how that weighed upon his soul.

Soul. It was a disgusting word and I longed to be free of it. My heart was bursting with regret so loudly and painfully I wanted to cut it from my chest.

Lindsey would take off his tie finally, and shrug out of his jacket. Then he would find some excuse to touch me. A simple touch, a hand on the shoulder, brush against my arm. How humans related to eachother, if he were an animal he would already have me bent over the bar. I wondered if I should find it ironic that I couldn't decide which I preffered. He was so weak, so pale, so breakable, so filled with pain. If I was a vampire I knew the sort of pleasure I would take in exploiting every single one of his flaws and insecurities. I would break him in half, rip him apart and feed him his own intestines. That was what Darla would do.

"I'm going to take a shower, and then we'll order something for dinner." Lindsey said to me, on this particular evening. It was the same as every other. Routine.

"Why do you shower everyday when you come home from that place?" I asked idly, my head tilted to the side curiously as I stood in front of his window and watched him. "Does it make you feel dirty? Doing what you do?" A change in routine. I had often found it curious that Wolfram and Hart seemed to cling to his skin like grime that he was desperate to scrub off.

"Didn't used to, but it's starting to feel like I can't get clean any more." He shrugged slightly. "I think things have changed for me since we, well I, brought you back. I'm always dirty now, Darla. Doesn't matter how hard I scrub my skin, it just won't come off."

This was why Lindsey fascinated me so. What an interesting response to illicit from a human. He was tainted, but I feared it had little to do with me. I yielded little power in torment these days. Except for when it came to Angel, I could still hurt him in that gut wrenching cut your heart out way.

"I find it interesting that you blame that on me. Perhaps you're trying to flatter me." I did yield some small power over this one. Some hidden art of infatuation that I had long forgotten about. Always forgetting everything, how I wished for a better memory.

As soon as I heard the water of the shower running in the bathroom, my eyes trailed to the phone on the bar. I wanted to remember, I wanted to forget all in one breath. Breathing, a forgotten luxury and hindrance and I wanted to burn everything, the entire world. No one could understand this, this ache that started in my gut and worked it's way up through my throat.

Before I could change my mind, I picked up the phone and quickly dialed Angel's number. Holding the phone up to my ear, my eyes trailed to the city below again. But I quickly regained focus as a familiar voice answered the call. A voice more familiar than my own on most days.

"My boy. Are you there?" I asked quietly, and the long shocked silence that filled the space between answered my question. "Do you remember them? I can't...I can't remember them all. Only the way that they screamed when we killed them. You still see their faces, don't you?"
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I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away [08 Mar 2005|09:57pm]

I would watch him sleep from where I sat on the corner of the bed. Watched my boy twist and turn, muttering the name of all his past victims. Nightmares usually plagued his sleep before the trick the lawyers had taught me kicked in. Then there wouldn't be the nightmares at all, then we had our nightly dates. Slow dancing with his arms wrapped around me. I knew those dreams ate at him, knew they began to wear him down, just like Lindsey and Holland Manners wanted. They were beautiful little snippets, the dreams but the nightmares were what stuck to me as I walked out of the Hyperion Hotel and into the cool Los Angeles night air. How strange that he could remember every single victim with such detail. I had always had trouble keeping track, but not Angelus. Not my boy. At least not until he had the soul cursed into him.

I had spent alot of time thinking about my boy, since Wolfram and Hart returned me....as human. Spent alot of time thinking about our past together, centuries of torment and misery. It makes me want to eat his heart, to swallow what remained of the muscle and the veins and the blood, centuries old and new. I wanted to hurt him, to consume and reclaim him. I wanted to make him scream with the agony of a broken heart. I wanted it all back. Deep in my belly and blossoming from my chest, the want was so strong.

The limo would pull up casually outside of the hotel and I would get in, as if nothing unusual had just taken place at all. Humans did enjoy pretending, I remembered that much. My boy liked to pretend too, I couldn't wait to break him of that habit. More wanting, it never went away.

These were the things that I thought about as I wiled away long hours in Lindsey's office at Wolfram and Hart. I thought about Angelus, and I thought about the sun streaming through the window. It was strange how some old habits were hard to break. Everytime I would walk into a patch of sunlight I would become irrationally terrified that my skin would catch on flame. That I would die again, this time by the sun's garish rays instead of by what I had created. It was impossible of course, Holland Manners had made sure of that. Made sure that I would be brought in a way that was easy to control me. Human. Always so desperate to serve their masters. I might be human for a time, but I didn't enjoy being a pawn in a game that lawyers had created. I had been a vampire for four hundred years, never once did I compromise or play anyone else's game. Well, unless you counted my darling boy.

I could still feel the sharp wood as it was plunged into my chest. The one last moment of regret before I turned to ash. And why? Because my boy, my Angelus, my childe harbored sick fantasies of being in love with a cheerleader. It was disgusting.

So for a time I would play along. I would help Holland Manners and Lindsey in their vendetta, their crusade against Angel. But I had wicked games of my own that I liked to play, and if they thought that I would be human for long they were wrong. You didn't become the best by getting used. But we had one thing in common, we both wanted Angel's destruction. I created him, and I could destroy him just as easily. Perhaps I'd enjoy myself by tormenting him a bit first, driving him slowly insane before I shoved a stake right through his heart.

"Darla, how are you feeling today?" A jovial voice said from the doorway, and I turned away from the window to look at Lindsey and Holland as they emerged through Lindsey's office doorway.

I smiled wickedly at Holland before answering his question. "I'm feeling a bit bored honestly, Holland. I was hoping you'd tell me you have something for me to do."

"That's good to hear." Holland smiled and patted Lindsey on the shoulder. "We have a job for you tonight. Lindsey here will fill you in on the details."

"Of course." I could see Holland fidgeting under the weight of my gaze, and it only made me smile a bit wider. These idiotic lawyers, they thought they could control the world with contracts and signatures. They had no idea what true evil was. Listening to children cry as you sliced apart their mothers right in front of them. Their own screams as you sank your fangs into their flesh. That was true wickedness, and they would never know.

"Let me guess." I said, stepping closer to Lindsey as Holland made his hasty retreat back into the hallway. "It has something to do with Angel."

"Doesn't everything?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Everyone at the hotel was asleep, as they usually were at that hour of night. However, Angel himself was nowhere to be found. Lindsey had dutifully informed me that Angel was out for the night working on a case. Working to help the hopeless. It wasn't important though, because tonight we wouldn't have one of our 'dates'. Tonight I had another job to do, something to distract Angel even further.

I padded quietly throught the lobby towards the kitchen in the back. It had been simple enough to move through the hotel in the past, but I'd never done so while Angelus was out for the night. Lindsey assured me that he would be gone all evening and what I had to do would only take but a few minutes anyway. Opening the door to the refrigerator I could see several cannisters labeled clearly with masking tape. Angel's name scrawled across them with black permanant marker. Reaching for them, I closed my hand around the cool steel and opened the top. Setting the cannister down on the table, I reached in my pocket for the trinket Lindsey had given me. Holding the knife tightly in my hand, I clenched my teeth as I made a small jagged line down the palm of my hand with the blade. The blood ran from my hand into the cannister of blood that was already there. Lindsey had assured me that it would still be the same, I was still Darla. It wasn't enough that he would know exactly what was mixed with his foul pig's blood, but it would distract him. Distracting Angel made him sloppy, and it was the sort of slow torture that Angelus himself would have been proud of. .
Setting the cannister back inside the refrigerator, I closed my fist into a palm so that none of the blood would leak to the floor as I walked to the front door.

I hadn't been paying attention and a small gasp escaped my lips as I bumped right into a hulking figure in the doorway. Looking up slowly I met a pair of eyes more familiar then my very own. My dear boy. This however wasn't planned and not what I expected to happen. Perhaps it wasn't completely unsalvageable though.

There was shock in his eyes and I knew I had taken him off guard, so I easily slipped past him and ran as fast as my slow human legs would carry me back to the limo. Ripping open the backdoor, I fell into the seat next to Lindsey.

"He saw me." I said to him with a worried look.

"Drive now." Lindsey commanded, and before I knew it my back was pressed against the leather seat as the limo's tires squeeled and we pulled out into traffic.
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[08 Mar 2005|08:57pm]

I could dance with her for hours, days, weeks, years, anything that she wanted, she would get as long as she was wearing that red dress of hers that I love so much. Her hair smells so perfect, her teeth pearly white, I could draw her for hours and not even flinch. Holding her close to me, smelling her scent makes me feel so comfortable, it's so normal and familiar. We danced for hours and hours, just talking as Lorne sang, but eventually it was just us and a light that was shining on us, showing us that it was only me and her. Darkness and light.

Leaning my forhead against hers, I closed my eyes and continued to dance in small circles that I would only do with her, "I still can't believe you're here. I mean - I killed you." I did. A long time ago. She's not supposed to be here, but she is and she's holding me back, kissing me like there's no tomorrow, loving me. Something that I never thought she could possibly do, and for a second, I would give up everything just to be hers, be with her, forever.

"I'm over that. - You haven't told anyone else about these dates of ours, have you?"

She was over it? How could she be over it? Even when Buffy sent me to hell, I still held a grudge even though I knew it was the right thing to do, that she needed to do it to save the world, but Darla ... she should be hating me, yet, she isn't. I pulled back a little, looking down at her. She's so tiny compared to me. Maybe this time I can look after her instead of her looking after me. That's all I would want.

"No. I want you all for myself." I told her, then leaned down, kissing her lips gently and pulling her back toward me, continuing to dance a dance that I thought I would never know, but right now it's coming naturally to me.

"I know how you feel."

"It's so strange." I answered her as I rested my cheek against hers. I never wanted this night to end, but I could feel that it was about to close on a kiss, something that would remind me of what I am, what she is. Gone and me? Just a vampire that is out to save the world. I want this to be real, it has to be real, it ...

"But good."

"But good."

Pulling away from her again, I cracked a small smile. It was good. Even though it wasn't real, it was still good. Leaning down, I held the back of her head as I kissed her passionately, holding her close to me. I heard a beeping noise and I looked up and realized I was in my bed. Rubbing a hand over my face, I sat up and looked around, then underneath the sheets. Frowning, I looked over at the clock and realized it was just a dream, but it did feel real.

Moving out of the bed, I grabbed a pair of black pants and pulled them on, then padded to the bathroom. Why was I having dreams of Darla now? Hmm, must be nothing, I won't worry about it.

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